Don't Be a Toxic Networker

Have you ever struck up a conversation with someone at a networking event, only to glance at your watch 5 minutes later and realize you still haven't gotten a word in yet? One of the following is happening:

1) They're really enthusiastic about their project and want to share it with you, but they're coming on a little strong.

2) They're telling a story but they're not very concise.

3) They just love hearing themselves talk.

1 & 2 are forgivable. Number 3 is not. 

I can usually tell when that's the case. I test out my theory by sending body language cues that I'm losing interest. I start by gradually reducing positive reinforcement: I stop nodding or saying "mhm" as they speak. Then I'll stop reacting vocally or facially to what they're saying. If it gets really bad, I'll stop looking at them entirely.

AND THEY STILL KEEP TALKING. Totally unphased.

They're completely oblivious to the other person in the "conversation." They might as well be talking to a wall.

Clearly this does not make a good impression. It's insulting. And they've just spoiled a potentially valuable connection.

Don't let this be you!

Here's how to avoid being a toxic networker.

1. Ask them about themselves first

After the initial introduction, start off by asking them a question about themselves. This demonstrates interest in the other person, which is polite and flattering. A great way to start.

2. Allow for pauses

When you're chatting someone up, it's easy to get on a roll. But make sure you find natural pauses. Breathe between sentences. This makes for a more comfortable conversation anyway, and it gives the other person a chance to respond if they're truly engaged -- or a chance to change the subject to something more pertinent. The other person might really want to contribute to the conversation, but if you don't give them an opportunity, you'll never know.

3. Check for signs of disinterest or distraction

As you're talking, take note of how the other person is responding. Look for cues that they're engaged (nodding, making eye contact, smiling, etc.) or lack thereof. Similarly, look for cues that they're distracted (checking their phone, looking around the room, angling their body away, etc.). If you notice both a lack of engagement AND distracted body language, you're overdue to pass the conversation on to them.

4. Don't hog the conversation

It's fine to have a lot to say, but you don't want to dominate the conversation. That sends the message that your needs are more important or interesting than theirs.

To prevent this, pay attention to how much time you're talking vs. listening. If the imbalance is more than 60:40, let them do more of the talking.

5. Listen

If the other person is talking, make sure you are listening -- not waiting for your turn to speak. The difference is palpable. 

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Stay tuned for more networking tips!

WAIT - Why Am I Talking?

During my first week at Startup Institute, we discussed emotional intelligence, or EQ. The first and most important skill is self-awareness.

My classmate Nicole Nguyen shared a brilliant tactic that I want to trumpet from the heavens. It's called WAIT, which stands for "Why Am I Talking?"

Think you might be rambling? WAIT.

Sense some awkwardness? WAIT.

Feel like no one's listening? WAIT.

After you've paused to ask yourself "Why Am I Talking?", try answering these questions:

Who benefits from this conversation?

A conversation is only valuable if both parties benefit from it. For example, my friend and successful comedian Josh Gondelman hates it when people describe a crazy dream they had the other night. While it may be cathartic for the dreamer to recount their epic story, Josh gets nothing from it, since dreams aren't real. He resents the dreamer for being indulgent, even selfish. While Josh exaggerates this dynamic in his routine, he hits on a very salient point about how conversations should work.

Consider the topic of conversation. Are you providing useful information to the listener? Is this something that would interest them? If the answer is no, it's time to stop talking.

Who is hurt by this conversation?

Gossip is toxic. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all! Because anything negative you say can and will be held against you.

Bad-mouthing people has obvious repercussions. If the subject would be hurt to overhear what you've said, it's best not to say it. Gossips damage their own reputation by degrading trust and confidentiality with their peers. Bad news all around.

Beyond gossip, there are subtler forms of harmful talk. Consider how the person you're talking to feels. If you're giving them criticism, would hearing what you have to say help them or hurt them? Are you the best person to deliver that message, at this time, in this place, and under these circumstances?

Also beware the back-handed compliment. For example, if you're on a team of 5 people, and you single out 3 of your teammates for public praise, omitting the fourth, that's insulting to your neglected teammate. Those you praised feel uncomfortable accepting such attention, and frankly, you'll look like an asshole. All things to consider.

Are people listening?

If no one's listening, you shouldn't be talking. How can you tell if they're listening? Observe the other person. Here are signs that they're listening:

• Eye contact
• Nodding
• Smiling
• Ignoring distractions
• Verbal reactions ("mhm", "oh?", "huh")
• Body language: facing towards you, especially if their feet/lower half are pointed at you.

If most of these are not happening, you've lost them. If you continue talking after all signs of listening have waned, you're wasting the person's time, and you'll look foolish while doing it. Once you notice their attention straying, you should wrap things up. Even better, strive for brevity next time.

Have I been listening?

It's tempting to want to share your thoughts and feelings and ideas with the world the moment they spring to mind. But first consider if sharing would be redundant. Ask yourself: am I sharing something new? Or am telling them something they already know/reiterating what's already been said/stating the obvious?

Live by the WAIT mantra, and you'll have more meaningful conversations with people that respect you for it.

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Up next: "Sleeping Your Way to Success."