WAIT - Why Am I Talking?

During my first week at Startup Institute, we discussed emotional intelligence, or EQ. The first and most important skill is self-awareness.

My classmate Nicole Nguyen shared a brilliant tactic that I want to trumpet from the heavens. It's called WAIT, which stands for "Why Am I Talking?"

Think you might be rambling? WAIT.

Sense some awkwardness? WAIT.

Feel like no one's listening? WAIT.

After you've paused to ask yourself "Why Am I Talking?", try answering these questions:

Who benefits from this conversation?

A conversation is only valuable if both parties benefit from it. For example, my friend and successful comedian Josh Gondelman hates it when people describe a crazy dream they had the other night. While it may be cathartic for the dreamer to recount their epic story, Josh gets nothing from it, since dreams aren't real. He resents the dreamer for being indulgent, even selfish. While Josh exaggerates this dynamic in his routine, he hits on a very salient point about how conversations should work.

Consider the topic of conversation. Are you providing useful information to the listener? Is this something that would interest them? If the answer is no, it's time to stop talking.

Who is hurt by this conversation?

Gossip is toxic. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all! Because anything negative you say can and will be held against you.

Bad-mouthing people has obvious repercussions. If the subject would be hurt to overhear what you've said, it's best not to say it. Gossips damage their own reputation by degrading trust and confidentiality with their peers. Bad news all around.

Beyond gossip, there are subtler forms of harmful talk. Consider how the person you're talking to feels. If you're giving them criticism, would hearing what you have to say help them or hurt them? Are you the best person to deliver that message, at this time, in this place, and under these circumstances?

Also beware the back-handed compliment. For example, if you're on a team of 5 people, and you single out 3 of your teammates for public praise, omitting the fourth, that's insulting to your neglected teammate. Those you praised feel uncomfortable accepting such attention, and frankly, you'll look like an asshole. All things to consider.

Are people listening?

If no one's listening, you shouldn't be talking. How can you tell if they're listening? Observe the other person. Here are signs that they're listening:

• Eye contact
• Nodding
• Smiling
• Ignoring distractions
• Verbal reactions ("mhm", "oh?", "huh")
• Body language: facing towards you, especially if their feet/lower half are pointed at you.

If most of these are not happening, you've lost them. If you continue talking after all signs of listening have waned, you're wasting the person's time, and you'll look foolish while doing it. Once you notice their attention straying, you should wrap things up. Even better, strive for brevity next time.

Have I been listening?

It's tempting to want to share your thoughts and feelings and ideas with the world the moment they spring to mind. But first consider if sharing would be redundant. Ask yourself: am I sharing something new? Or am telling them something they already know/reiterating what's already been said/stating the obvious?

Live by the WAIT mantra, and you'll have more meaningful conversations with people that respect you for it.

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Up next: "Sleeping Your Way to Success."

How Job Hunting Is Not Like Dating

A few days ago, I published the post "How Job Hunting Is Like Dating." There are many similarities between a first interview and a first date, but they are decidedly NOT the same thing.

In the startup world, jobs are won through network connections rather than keyword-optimized resumes. The whole job application process is more personal. Often connections are forged through informal coffee chats with employees and hiring managers of a company of interest.

Here are some rules for ensuring your coffee chat doesn't turn into a coffee date.

Don't Make a Big Deal Over Who Pays

(This is only relevant in the "coffee chat" setting, where you meet with a professional contact at a cafe to discuss things over a drink. Obviously, if you're meeting in an office, it's not applicable.)

There's no hard-and-fast rule for who pays, so don't feel pressured either way. Most often both parties will go dutch (pay for their own drink). If you arranged the get-together, you can offer to pay, but it is not expected. Plan to pay for your own drink and don't read into any offers (or lack thereof) to pick up the bill.

Don't Get A Meal

A meal implies a deeper level of intimacy than is needed for an initial professional meeting. Mostly, it's about time. If you ask for a meal with this person, it's going to take 60-90 minutes. Compare that to a coffee meeting, which runs 30-60 minutes. Choose the shorter cafe meeting format to ensure you're respecting the other person's time. A brief meeting condenses your conversation so that it's efficient and focused on professional topics, as opposed to a leisurely meal that sends ambiguous signals.

Also, it's much easier to talk in between sips than in between bites.

Get Personal, But Not Too Personal

When you're meeting a professional contact, it's great to find common grounds. I recently had an interview where the hiring manager mentioned she used to ride horses in college, and we went off on a tangent about horse-back-riding for a few minutes. This made the conversation way more memorable than a dry discussion of my experience.

Common interests, mutual friends, places you're both visited -- these are great topics to connect on. If you can find an opportunity to make a personal connection like his during an interview, you're golden. Just make sure to steer the conversation back to on track.

No Flirting

This one should be obvious, right? You'd be surprised.

There is a fine line between charisma and flirtation. Some aspects of flirtation are appropriate for a job interview: eye contact, smiling, active listening, receptive body language, humor. What doesn't fly:

• Comments about your romantic life
• Suggestive jokes
• Physical contact beyond a handshake
• Compliments on someone's physical appearance

Crossing the line into flirting will get you into hot water. It puts the company at risk of sexual harassment lawsuits, so maintain clear boundaries.

Keep It Classy

This advice applies to everything from how you dress to where you meet. Make sure that your clothing and makeup reflect a clean, put-together, personal style. Hint: what you wear to a coffee chat should not be the same outfit you wear to a nightclub -- nor to a rummage sale.

As for where to meet, pick someplace neutral and convenient for both parties. Cafes are best, but public parks or libraries work, too. Don't suggest a bar as a meeting place. Bars can be dark, loud, and sketchy. Remember that not everyone drinks alcohol, so be respectful and don't assume they do.

Don't Get Drunk

It's generally discouraged to drink in a professional setting, especially when you're making a first impression. But some startups have a casual, fun-loving culture that encourages social drinking. If you're meeting with a contact and they suggest you meet at a bar, it's fine to say yes. This does not mean you are required or expected to drink; you can order a soda or juice instead. If you're comfortable having a beer or a glass of wine, only do so if your contact is drinking, too. And keep it to one drink, no hard liquor.


In a nutshell: Don't confuse professional interest with romantic interest.

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Up next: 10 Tips for Writing Killer Copy

How Job Hunting Is Like Dating

First Date or Coffee Chat?

Your palms are sweating. Your mouth is dry. Your heart is pounding a little more than you'd like. You check to make sure your hair is neat, your clothes tidy. You take a deep breath and tell yourself, "I'm wonderful. They'll love me," and walk through the door.

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It's funny how much dating and job hunting have in common. Even at the career prep sessions at the Startup Institute, the instructors often admit that the similarities are uncanny. Here's what goes through your mind in either courtship:

"How do I look?"

Does this mascara make me look employable?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder -- and of the hiring manager, apparently. Studies reveal a beauty bias towards attractive candidates when making a hiring decision (and when evaluating employees, awarding raises, etc). The unfortunate truth is that your looks matter, at least on a subconscious level. So go ahead and get gussied up for the occasion.

"Stay positive."

Nothing kills a date like a tirade about a psycho ex. That sort of thing tends to reflect badly on the person complaining. You want to paint yourself in the best possible light, so avoid negative topics and focus on the awesome things you've done. It's also a good idea to avoid polarizing comments about politics or religion that might spoil the mood. (Oh, and in a job interview, such topics of conversation can put the company at risk of lawsuit for job discrimination, so DEFINITELY do not bring these up, even in pre-interview small talk.)

"Must. Keep. Talking."

On a first date, the pressure is on. You want to say all the right things. You dread the moment when you falter and an awkward silence descends. The false assumption people make is that if you run out of interesting things to say, then you must not be that interesting.

These people need to chill out.

Silence is not evil. It's your friend. It gives you a chance to breathe, observe, THINK. It only feels awkward because you're nervous. It's far better to embrace a healthy pause, collect your thoughts, and make sure that what you're saying is truly worth sharing. This is especially true in a job interview, where long-winded answers might bore your interviewer, or worse, make them think you're incapable of brevity.

"Am I coming on too strong?"

There's a big difference between "I think you're really cool" and "what would you want to name our kids?" Likewise, it's possible to come off as too eager for a job. Overeagerness in an interview can read as desperation, which is a major turn off for hiring managers. Sometimes 'doing your homework' on the company (or your date's Facebook page) can veer into stalker territory if you're a little too fanatic. Bottom line: express your interest genuinely, but don't freak them out.

"Are they into me?"

It's easy to get preoccupied with this one. You want to make a good impression and be, well, impressive to the person across the table. So you notice their body language, eye contact, what they have to say. Are they listening? Are they interested? Do they like me?

Keep a gentle awareness of their engagement, but don't obsess. You can't control how they react, only how you behave, so focus on that and let the chips fall where they may.

"Am I into them?"

Job interviews and dates are a 2-way street. It's a chance for you to get to know them and see if they're really as cool as they seem. This is super important, because you don't want to get involved with them if they're not so great after all.

"Was there chemistry?"

Golly, your company culture sounds swell.

After the date/interview, check in with yourself. Was there a connection? If you need to rationalize pros and cons, they probably aren't the best fit. When you meet Mr. Right/Ms. Right/Right inc., you'll have a gut feeling. Something clicks. With that said, there's not just one match for you out there. You may be happy with a number of different partners or employers depending on the stage you're at in your life.

"I hope they call soon!"

Just ring, already!

When the meeting is over, the waiting game begins.You're anxious to hear back with the verdict: do they want to see me again? You fear rejection and hope for the best, but no matter what they decide, you want the answer ASAP.


The most important thing to keep in mind on a date or on a job interview: let your personality shine through. You want to show this person who YOU are, not some polished, white-washed version of you. Push through your nerves, be yourself, and you'll eventually find your match.

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Up next: How Job Hunting Is Not Like Dating